Aih...

Feeling myself more and more useless....
2nd starbucks in a month ady...
But frankly speaking, Dark Mocha FXXxxxxxXxx was damn nice...
No no no...!!!!

I must have 自制能力！！
I must not transform myself into a bai kah zai!!!

Useless...

Sometimes at one point that i feel myself really useless...
I can't finish my lab ontime, leaving the discussion part and the conclusion part for the second time blank...
Can't even simply calculate a simple dielectric constant,
Can't even plot 2 graph....
Can't operate a apparatus nicely,

Can't finish my tutorial on time like Mr. DXXXXX did....
Can't understand what the lecturer said in class,

Can't get my scholarship interview like Mr. DXXXXX did...
Just because i lost 0.04 of my cgpa to him...
And kena perli by him summo....

**************************************************
D says:
aiya, i won't get one la
D says:
what are the chances?
D says:
all the ppl there keng keng one
D says:
sien
D says:
how to fight? they sure backstab me one
D says:
just like during JPA scholarship, semua tikam my belakang, sigh
D says:
think of it also boh mood
************************************************************
Who cares weather you get it or not??
If i'm able to get into the interview, i'll be proud of myself enough ady...

Summo my friend helped me to get such a post....
Look at my useless~ness....
I myself also dunno can handle anot...
Aih...

Useless me....
So frust...

Failure

Sometimes, i do really think that i'm useless...

I still remembered that my 1st job that i wanna to be is a doctor...
Saving people.... Wearing a white robe....

But...
I can see from my eyes of my parents...
Of how they wish me to be an Engineer...
I never wanted to disappoint my parents...
So...

Ok... Now i'm pursuing my studies as an engineer....
Then i found out that i am better and have more interest in lingual subjects...
I wish that i could be a translator...

Better than stoning in class now..
Blah blah convergent divergent, blah blah Kirchoff, blah blah p-n, blah blah printf scanf...

i hope that i could quickly finish my course..
and do what i am suppose to be interested in...
Become an engineer but at the same time doin part time as a translator..
The only solution that i can sort out, to satisfy me and my parents....

浮萍落花，颠沛流离，
山盟海誓，力竭筋疲，
笑饮砒霜，魄散魂离，
爱有尽时，恨无绝期，

天荒地老，最好忘记，
笑也轻微，痛也轻微，
生老病死，相聚分离，
身不由己，心不由己。

They are leaving...

I heard that both of my two friends leaving M'sia to US by this end of this year...
It was like such a shocking new that they are leaving...
They were one of the few to comfort me when i needed to...
Lend me a shoulder when i cry...
Laugh together with me for no reason sometimes...
Play in sea together...
Sometimes just go for a small meal....

Now they are leaving...
Leaving me behind alone...
No one to really share the every happiness and sadness of my life anymore..

I have to learn to be independent from now on...
To learn how to walk alone...
Learn how to deal alone...
To be sad and to be happy alone...

Bon Voyage to both of u...

Regretfulness

Just finish doin chores of my home ALONE!!!
LMAO.... a person who never do these work did it...
Doin those chores made me think of my parents...
A prince who never do these....

Whereas my parents took over these jobs while i was in hometown last time...
The slightest.. Even washing my clotes to washing my plate..
I never do those job at alll... LMAO...

Sigh... I start to regret for not helping my parents to do the chores whereas me doin it here....
I have to turn a new leave...

I must try to do some chores to help them...
To reduce their job....

I try to promise to myself...

02/07/2008

1) In computer lab, was doin a knoppix programming thing. Then suddenly the lecturer call me and i answer YES!! But guess what?? Actually he was making an example from my name... So men-siah sue- kan...=_=""


JJ(Lecturer): ..... Ho Kent Loong.
Me: YES!!
JJ: ...Ho underscore Kent underscore Loong..
Me: =__=""

2) Went to AGM today.. There was an election for the HiCom. open nomination. But i didnt get any post.
Reasons for me for not nominating myself..
a) I don't feel that i qualify for being a high com. Although i have the experiences, but i still dun acknowledge myself.
b)I was hoping for someone to nominate me but tak de pun... No lah..Jz jk...Haha.. Manalah i got the upaya to bcome a high comm?? Muahaha...XD..

01/07/2008

today's event...

1) I said my tutor dunno how to teach. Due to my unpatient and eagerness to know the answer.
But at last he found the mistake n correct it. Sorry Mr Tan. I forgive ur mistake and hope u will forgive my sin.
2) CLS Night Market. Saw korean food...Yummy... I bought one kimchi for only RM3 (with RM 2 discount) Now ny i believe that there's justice in this world. That stupid copier lady makan my RM1. Now god kesian me and let me untung back RM1. Wahaha..So shuang..

Stupid photocopier lady..

Stupid copier lady...
Eat my RM 1 out....
Shit....

Pay u RM2 u say i pay u Rm1 only...
The others also same..
Dunno how to stand up for ppl izzit??
Stupid peoples....
God bless u that the room doesn't have CCTV...
If not i'll gonna sue u for eating up my RM1...

Don't you know that Rm1 mean so much to me??
wit 2 Rm1, i can get one Sai Yau Ice...
wit 3 Rm1, i can get one social welfare ticket.
Wit 3-5 Rm 1, i can join a society...
wit 5 Rm1, i can get my PTPTN form...
wit 7-10 Rm1, i can get my laundry done...
wit 15 Rm1, i can get my beloved Giordano Shirt...
wit 20 Rm1, i can eat a set of Han Jung Suk (Korean full meal)
wit 50 Rm1, i can get to pay the petrol fees,
with 100 Rm1, i can get to buy billabong or body glove perhaps..
wit 155 Rm1, i can get to pay my monthly rentals..
wit 200 Rm1, i can get to get myself hush puppies shoes..
..................
so on and so forth...

How dare the wicked lady con a innocent and kind boy's RM1...
Curse her photocopying machine rosak... Pay back with lots and lots of Rm 1...
Curse her car bocor minyak tangki... Let her rugi lots and lots of Rm 1...
Curse her private property semua rosak....

My RM 1...T.T

What i felt now...

When i get to know my result for last sem,

"When you bless the day,
I just drift away,
All my worries die,
I'm glad that I'm alive

You've set my heart on fire,
Filled me with love,
Made me a woman on clouds above,

I couldn't get much higher,
My spirit takes flight
Cause I am alive
Ohhhhh.."

And kept in the mood of

"Could taste your sweet kisses,
Your arms open wide,
This fever for you is just burning me up inside,

I'm awake all night, to get to you,
Is that alright,
I'm awake all night,
Crept in your heart,
Is that alright...."

When this sem starts,

"I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come..."

Looking at physics and maths,
"There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since last sem or third sem..."

But
"It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now,

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow"
(Means got many many law such as Newton's law, and more than one solution for each questions..=p)

Looking at the notes, i hope, the basics that i learned during foundation..

Take me back in the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more
Don't go you know... you will break my heart

See me as if you never knew
Hold me so you can't let go
Just believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that I needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

And some way all the love that we had can be saved
Whatever it takes we'll find a way...T.T"

(means that i hope that i can recall back my basic knowledges that i've forgottenT.T..)

Looking at the notes now, i felt like..

"Que les choses ont changé, que les fleurs ont fané
Que le temps d'avant, c'était le temps d'avant"[ French]

"Things have changed, that flowers get fade
That the time before, was the time before"

everything wasn't like foundation anymore...

(Your=lecture notes in this paragraph)

So now everytime i have time,

"Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last, [Fast teaching]

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin? [Skin=fully understanding]"

Of cos goin in it's skin by taking chances to study lo if possible....


But sometimes i feel like

"’cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you [lecture subjects]
I know you can feel it to
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can’t survive
Another night away from you
You’re the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there’s no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I’ll live again with love
And no the they can’t take that away from me
And they will see... [How i perform this sem]"

T.T

"For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all"

Supports from many, were like:-
"You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you"

With your blessings and support,

"You're here, theres nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
Well stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.."

And to express my gratitude towards support from you all,
" And do I love you my oh my
Yeah river deep mountain high
If I lost you would I cry
Oh how I love you baby, baby, baby, baby"

Hope i'll be singing I'm alive when i see my results next time....=__="


(The post above contained some parts of some song..)

Envy me??=p

Look at these guys...



Wahaha...

Hurt..

There's one wise word saying "The higher you are, the more pain that you will feel when u fall.."
Although i'm not falling, but i've already estimate the impact of myself when i fall down...
2weeks ny, i've already feel like i've been left behind by the lecturers hundreds of kilometer aways....

Sigh...
God bless me...
let me get enlightenment suddenly so that i won't feel so difficult in dealing with my studies...
Pls pls..

Rgd the previous previous post,
What i wrote might a bit "out of the truth"...
SO pls omit it.. TQ...


XoXo

So sueh

I am so sueh today...
Was usual, went to class, then back to home..
In lab, Damn sueh...
My programming language tak makan...
Kena type 2nd time..

Fine..
Then jalan short cut..
Terus do no 2 and cabut...

Back to home..
Just a short distance to reach home,
car broke down...
Kena tow...
Waste 1 hour smth....
But what luckly was i wasn't knock down by car...
=__="

What i learnt frm my friend last time was not to wait in the car when your car broke down in a highway...

But u know, people always forget the learn from ppl's experience...
By the way, 1st time encountering these kind of problem...
So was kinda in "dunno what to do" mood...

Can's blame me also lah...
Haha...

Kesian...
Haha...

XoXo

Emo...

I can't believe that i'm so damn emo~ed today...
When i just came back frm PD, after watching Cider(Korean Program), it's topic is that every scene of life has it's own music... Celine's song was one of the song... As a fan of her, i was damn happy...
And after watching Oprah's show, i tot that miracles do exist in life...

But it was proven wrong when i came back to Cyber...
Many difficulties are awaiting for me...
Challenges from the lord...

But i didnt ask for anything...
All i want is to lead a simple life....

But now for my children's future, i have to work hard...
I must gain good results..
I must get a good job...
I must earn as many as much money as i can...

I wanna give my best to my son..
I wanna give him a car when he goes to uni life..
I wanna buy him a house near his uni...
I wanna furnish the house and put a maid for him to yell at...
Buy him GPS if he needs to...
And anything that is good for him...

Of course that i didnt say that what my parents gave me wasn't good enough...
In fact, i was very grateful for each day they gave me,
Spending less to save for my education,
Putting their children in first place...
Where to find such parents??
So i never ask for more before...
And i never really try to let them noe how difficult my life was...
She even called me just know and ask me to get a friend to talk with if i'm not happy..
How concerned she is....
I noe that i'm poor...

I dun wan my children to be like me....
To feel like a failure...
to feel bad like me...

So i have to work hard...
Not for myself, for my children's future,
for my parents...

Pride??Dignity??

I was reading some of my friend's blog just now...
I really salute them..
They dare to pour out all the things in their life....
Even the slightest joy, sadness, fun......
With their family, friends, or even relationship problems..

What i was trying to mean was,
They dare to tell others their personal problems...
This was what i never done...
Neither daily nor in blog...

I seldom tell people what i really think or how i feel...
All i did was keeping it to myself...

WHY???
My pride forbids me to do so?? My dignity restrains me from doin that??
Why don't i tell??
Why should i be living behind a piece of mask??

Youngest son in the family and have large age gap with my siblings?
Scared of being burst of my secret by someone??
Or what??

Aih....
Celine said..
"so many people keeps everything inside..I don't think it's great. I don't think that it's the idea..You have to share your feelings, your worries, your thoughts, your dreams"

This is for me i think...
" You should talk and express yourself. Conversation is a great way to learn..."
" Keep as happy as you are because i tell u, u meet a lot of people in different conditions in life, not a lot are talking and not very much are expressing themselves.."

Referring myself to i think...

Like what Mahkota Hospital's CEO Ms.Quek said,
"u must know how to release it in certain time...like a kettle, if u shut all the holes, what will happen?? Burst!!...."

Haha...
Jz forget bout it....
Continue with your life...
I believe you won't burst....